THE BRAIN

By Jeff Bruno

If I only had a brain
Few of us can forget the dancing scarecrow[1] from the Wizard of Oz, clicking his heels[2] together as he leapt[3] into the air and sang, “If I only had a brain”. As you may remember, he traveled for days along the Yellow Brick[4] Road in search of one, hoping for a better life.
Now more than ever, surgeons[5] and research scientists have begun to discuss the posibilities of a brain transplant. While medical technology is not sophisticated enough to transfer a brain from one body to another at the moment, it may soon be a reality.
A successful brain transplant would be a monumental task[6]. To transplant a heart alone takes a team of more than ten doctors, while a brain transfer would require an army[7] of physicians[8]. Surgeons would have to cut open the top of the skull[9], transfer the fragile organ from donor[10] to patient and reconnect hundreds of blood vessels[11] just to keep the brain alive. In addition, all 12 pairs of cranial nerves and 31 pairs of spinal[12] nerves would need to be reconnected so that the brain could direct its new body.
But there are other considerations as well[13]. If we transplant a human brain from one body to another, it will have lived the life of the body from which it came, not that of the recipient. The patient would wake up after surgery to the face of a stranger in the mirror, yet have the same identity. This is because the brain is more than just a biological organ.
The heart is a simple pump[14] and the kidneys[15] filter the blood, but the brain is the only organ that is actually[16] aware[17] of itself. The heart never asks why it beats and the kidneys never wonder how they clean the blood, but the brain thinks about how it thinks. We recognize this “self-awareness” as consciousness, and it would be transferred in the process.

Purple haze

[18] in my brain, lately[19] things don’t seem the same. Jimi Hendrix (1942-70)

The brain contains a record of our memories and thoughts. The bond

[20] with your mother, the familiarity of a lover’s perfume, even your current[21] level of English are all stored[22] in the brain. The collective experience that gives us our identity could be transferred to a different body in a single operation.
Perhaps sometime in the future the technology will exist to finally make the Scarecrow’s dream come true. Imagine all the different brains from which he could choose. If the Scarecrow received Bill Clinton’s brain, for instance, he would think and behave like the President. He would be a Democrat, a loving father and, stuffed[23] with straw[24], more careful where he lit his cigar!

No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oscar Wilde

Famous Brains
My brain? It’s my second favorite organ. Woody Allen (b. 1935)

England has only had one republican Head of State, Oliver Cromwell, the Lord Protector. He died of natural causes in 1658. Just before he was buried[25] his brain was weighed (for some reason). It turned out to weigh 82.25 ounces, compared to the average[26] adult male brain which weighs around 49 ounces (1350 g.). So Cromwell’s brain weighed around the same weight (2.3 kg) as the heaviest brain ever recorded, discovered in 1992 by Dr Mandybur of Cincinnati University. Anyway, getting back to the main story, they put Cromwell’s brain back in his head and buried the complete body.
Two years later the body (plus brain) was dug up[27] by the newly restored king, Charles II and formally hanged[28]. The Royalists then beheaded[29] the (very dead) body and placed the head (plus bain on a pole[30] at Westminster Abbey. Twenty-five years later the head was blown off[31] by the wind and a captain of the guard took it home and hid it up a chimney. It then passed between several owners, being at one time on display[32] at a freak show[33]! Finally, in 1960 it was given to Sydney Sussex College where it was buried secretly.
The fate[34] of the most famous brain of all time wasn’t much better. Albert Einstein is a byword[35] of intelligence but that didn’t stop his brain being ignominiously treated after his death. An American pathologist Thomas Harvey, stole Einstein’s brain and drove across America with the great organ in a cookie jar[36]. He showed his prize[37] off[38] to many enthusiasts he met in his journey and even gave shavings[39] as souvenirs to a lucky few[40].
Horrible Ronnie Kray was luckier than brilliant Albert Einstein. The gangster who had terrorised London in the 1960s[41] died in 1995. The Home Office had his brain removed[42] and sent to specialists at Oxford University who were studying the criminal mind.Unfortunately for the scientists, Ronnie’s wife found out[43] and kicked up such a fuss[44] that they had to give it back. Early in 2000 there was a huge scandal in Britain when it was revealed that surgeons regularly took the brains out of corpses[45] for research and teaching.

Strange Brains
Ø The lightest normal brain ever was owned by a man called Daniel Lyon. It weighed just 680 g. (just over half the adult male average).
Ø In 1935 a boy was born in New York with no brain. He lived for 27 days.
Ø Even stranger is the case of a Bengali boy who was born in 1783 with two brains. He died, aged four, after a snake bit him.
Afterthought
Just a final thought. In the 1990s a patient was admitted to a New York hospital for brain surgery. He was lucky to have the operation performed by the hospital’s chief of neurosurgery as his surgeon. Unfortunately, the eminent doctor didn’t look at the patient’s medical notes properly and started to operate on the healthy side of the brain. The surgeon was sacked[46] after an enquiry[47].

[1] scarecrow –figure of a man which is placed in a field to frighten birds
[2] to click your heels – make a noise by hitting the backs of your shoes together
[3] to leap - jump
[4] brick – artificial stone which forms parto f a pavement
[5] surgeon – medical doctor who performs surgery
[6] task – job, achievement
[7] army – multitude, large number
[8] physician – medical doctor
[9] skull - cranium
[10] donor – person who gives an organ. In the context of the brain, it is difficult to decide who is the donor and who is the recipient
[11] blood vessels – veins and arteries
[12] spinal – vertebral, relating to the spinal column/backbone
[13] as well – too, also
[14] pump – machine that forces a liquid from one place to another
[15] kidney – renal organ
[16] actually – (emphatic) really
[17] to be aware – be conscious
[18] haze – cloud, mist, smoke
[19] lately - recently
[20] bond – link, connection
[21] current - present
[22] to store – keep, put away, deposit
[23] stuffed with – filled with, full of
[24] straw – dried plants which are used as a bed for animals in a stable
[25] to bury – put a cadáver underground
[26] average – normal, regular, standard
[27] to dig up – unearth, uncover, take out of the ground
[28] to hang (hang - hanged – hanged)
[29] to behead – decapitate
[30] pole – stick, post, mast
[31] to be blown off – fall because of the force of the wind
[32] on display – exhibited
[33] freak show – exhibition of strange, exotic and frightening things
[34] fate – destiny, end, misfortune
[35] byword – a perfect or proverbial example of
[36] cookie jar – large glass container for biscuits
[37] prize – souvenir, trophy
[38] to show sth. off – display, exhibit
[39] shaving – small flat piece cut from a larger object
[40] For more about this sad episode read “Driving Mr Albert: A Trip Across America With Einstein’s Brain”, The Dial Press
[41] The Kray twins are famous in the UK and there was even a movie made about them (The Krays) in 1990
[42] to remove – extract, take out
[43] to find out – discover (what is/was happening)
[44] to kick up a fuss – complain loudly, make a lot of problems
[45] corpse – dead body, cadaver
[46] to sack – dismiss, fire, make unemployed
[47] inquiry – investigation